Several months ago, I was mindlessly browsing through YouTube clips, you know, as one does, when I came across this short interview between The Daily Show host Trevor Noah and Alicia Menendez, author of The Likeability Trap. I found Menendez’s talking points fascinating because she put into words something that I’d always been subconsciously aware of but had never been able to articulate. That is, that women in leadership often suffer from what she calls the “Goldilocks Conundrum.” They are either seen as “too much” or “not enough.”
I put this book on my To Read list, and forgot about it for a while. I found it again as I was browsing through my library’s online app, and I immediately put it on hold. I’d gotten a few other books as well, and it took me a bit to be in the mood for this particular brand of nonfiction. Let this serve as a PSA, by the way, that it’s okay to wait until you’re in the mood for something before you pick it up. I’ve found that I enjoy books more when I’m actually in the mood for that genre or topic. If I try to force myself to read something “intellectual” because I feel like I should, when I really just want to read what I lovingly call “cotton candy”, it feels like a slog and I don’t end up liking the book. I’ve learned that I’ll eventually be in the mood, so I wait until then, and I enjoy my reading a whole lot more.
So, when I was ready to dive into The Likeability Trap, I really liked it! Basically, her thesis is that women in the workplace and in the public eye are often passed over for leadership positions because they are either warm and well-liked, but seen as less competent, or they’re perceived as competent and effective, but no one likes them. People seem to believe in this dichotomy, that a woman can be likable or she can be successful, but not both. At its core, however, this is a false dichotomy, and Menendez points out ways in which corporate and political culture needs to change to accommodate different styles of leadership. A woman can be warm and tough. She can be competent and caring. But only if she’s allowed to be.
She also gives some ideas for how women can advocate for themselves more effectively while we wait for leadership culture to catch up with the times. I wish she’d fleshed this section out more. Her suggestions were good, but I wanted more of them.
If you’re a woman who doesn’t work in this type of environment, or even if you’re not a woman at all, I think there are still some valuable insights for you here. Who among us hasn’t felt like they needed to change themselves to be more likable? To smooth out their edges to glide more easily along with others? That’s not to say that we should go around making ourselves obnoxious or abrasive. It’s just that some of us (including yours truly) lose a lot of time and energy worrying about whether other people like us, and it’s time that could be better spent developing skills, engaging in work worth doing, and enjoying relationships with those who accept us for who we are, warts and all. Think of the mental space we could save if we gave ourselves permission to simply be who we are!
It’s not as though this book solved all of my issues and made me completely indifferent to how others perceive me. But it did give me some things to think about, and a few things that I will try to implement in my own life as I strive to be more fully myself. If that appeals to you, then consider picking this book up.
Happy Reading!
